OK, so nobody’s perfect. In fact, I’m probably one of the biggest dicks you’ll ever train with. But seriously, we all have some pet-hates when it comes to annoying muay Thai gym habits, and I’m sure you can relate to some of mine.
I’ll be honest with you, I have a LOT of free time on my hands right now. I have a broken rib (violins) so I’ll be living in the blogosphere for the next couple of months and venting some of my frustrations and thoughts in blog form. I’m also drugged up to my eyeballs on Tramadol to ease the pain so I’m not accountable for the actions of my fingers on the keyboard.
Some of the reasons in my list are pretty harmless and comical, but some are acts of complete muay Thai douchebaggery. This is in no way an exhaustive list, so please feel free to comment all of your own annoyances at the end of the post. Here it is, reasons why you might be a muay Thai douchebag…
Muay Thai Douchebag Type 1:
The Gym Douchebag
#1 You don’t wear underwear underneath your muay Thai shorts and the entire gym has the misfortune of seeing your hairy balls come free while you’re stretching out…
#2 You don’t brush your teeth before clinching with me.
#3 You’re a girl who wears low-cut tops while training and then complains that men are staring at your breasts.
#4 You spray me with sweat when I’m holding pads for you. Grab a towel, bro.
#5 You give unsolicited advice to other members of your gym .
#6 You come out with a million excuses as to why you can’t train, except the fact that you just can’t be bothered.
#7 You grease yourself up with a tub of Vaseline and a whole bottle of boxing linament before TRAINING.
#8 You talk when you should be working.
#9 You move the pads just before I hit them so I hyper-extend my arm.
#10 You try to go hard in sparring, and then complain when everyone kicks the crap out of you.
#11 You treat people who aren’t as skilled as you with contempt. You talk about people who are better than you behind their backs.
#12 You roll bottles and other objects up and down your shins.
#13 You don’t trim your filthy toenails and you slice me with them when you land a kick.
#14 You’ve done a couple of interclubs and tell people you’re a fighter.
#15 You come to training covered in make-up and perfume.
#16 You give yourself a cheesy fighter’s nickname like “Destroyer” or “The Boss”… but nobody understands why.
#17 You always pair up with the new girl and hit on her like you haven’t been laid in about 3 years.
#18 You feel the need to talk to me while we are in the changing rooms and wave your genitals in my face while you’re drying off. Dude, put it away.
#19 You go for a run before training and then drip your wet ass right across the mats and make it slippery for everyone else.
#20 You turn up to training when you’re sick and give the illness to everyone in the gym.
#21 You trained in Thailand for a couple of weeks, so you think that that automatically qualifies you to open a gym in your own country and coach fighters. Oh, and you watched a couple of BJJ sessions too, so you’re also qualified to teach MMA.
#22 You’re the germ who has 50 skin infections but you still come to the gym to infect everyone else.
#23 You don’t shower before you train. You smell like dirty underpants and wet gym socks.
#24 You turn up to the gym, spend an hour “warming up”, do a couple of rounds on the pads, complain about a nagging injury, do some bicep curls in front of the mirror and head home.
Muay Thai Douchebag Type 2:
The Douchebag Trainer
#25 You always take the girls on the pads first and give them extra training because you’re trying to bone them.
#26 You play traditional Thai music during class because you think that’s what they do in Thailand.
#27 You avoid teaching the clinch.
#28 You lie about how many fights you’ve had
#29 You teach things you’ve watched on YouTube without actually being able to implement them or understand the technique yourself.
#30 You have a muay Thai instructor’s certificate.
#31 You give out the aforementioned instructor’s certificate.
#32 You make rivalries with other gyms in the area just to be a dick.
#33 You put your students into fights before they are ready, just to boost your own ego.
#34 You ask things of your students that you’re not prepared to do yourself.
#35 You’re a black belt in muay Thai.
Muay Thai Douchebag Type 3:
The Social Media Douche
#36 You agree to take fights so you can talk crap on Facebook for a couple of months but then pull out of the fight days before the match-up due to an “injury”.
#37 You hardly ever turn up to training but as soon as a seminar comes along you’re there like a shot so you can get some photos taken to put on Facebook.
#38 You sell products which claim to transform the customer into a capable fighter overnight, but you’re not a capable anything.
#39 You have numerous “world titles” that just happened to be “vacant” when you won them and you’re not even the best fighter in your area, let alone the world. You continuously upload crappy photos and statuses about your false achievements.
#40 You go totally OTT with the build-up of your fights on social media, only to get banged out in the first round.
#41 You create muay Thai DVD training courses and use false claims to con people who don’t know any better.
#42 You endorse the aforementioned DVDs with an embarrassing testimonial, just for a kickback.
#43 You made a YouTube highlight reel of your 2 interclubs with cheesy credits and naff music.
#44 You film yourself training wearing a Mongkon.
#45 You believe #41 & #42 because the person selling it to you has a lot of likes on his Facebook page, so he must be legit.
Muay Thai Douchebag Type 4:
The Thailand Camp Douchebag
#46 After two years of training, you still think the muay Thai clinch is the plum position because you’ve seen Anderson Silva do it.
#48 Every time you come to a class, you ask your trainer how to “get out of the clinch”.
#49 You avoid clinch training…
#50 Whenever you get punch or kicked, your response is “well, in MMA, I would have done …..”
#51 You’re a foreigner who bought a muay Thai camp in Thailand but you have no idea how to manage it.
#52 You wear your gym singlet everywhere you go but never train.
#53 You’re one of the people who rack up loads of fights against sub-standard opposition so your record looks awesome, and then blog about it.
#54 You live in the gym but can’t be bothered to wake up for morning training.
#55 You return home and tell all your friends that Thailand is just like it is in the movies, TV documentaries and travel brochures.
#56 You fell in love with a bar girl and you’re now back home working extra hours so you can send her money (her buffalo is sick again).
#57 You turn up to morning training drunk and expect me to go easy on you.
#58 Upon entering a muay Thai camp, you immediately demand the trainer to teach you all of the moves from the movie “Ong Bak”.
#59 You get home after two weeks and, when talking to your friends, you begin every sentence with “In Thailand…”
#60 You use your free time to create elaborate lists about how people piss you off and then post it on the internet. Oh wait…Follow MuayThaiScholar